Kate.

So I got all of my grades today annddddd......
I made the dean's list.
:D

"Oh, something's missing in me. I felt it deep within me, as lovers left me to bleed alone."

I wouldn't have thought that I would be this content with life right now, but I am.
December is turning out to be a good month. (minus the family situations)
I have a girlfriend now. I like her a lot.
I'm cool with Jill and her girlfriend.
I'm cool with all of my roommates, minus Katie, obvs.
And I'm cool with all of my friends, why wouldn't I be?
I like having a few close friends as opposed to a lot of not as close friends.
And there's this other girl who's heart I think I just broke, but I'm in a relationship and am not comfortable with that situation anymore. No cheating.

On another note....
I got my lip pierced on... Friday.
I was really angry at life (while still being happy?) and I decided that it was a good time to get it done because my threshold for pain was much higher. I might be turning into a Masochist.
Anyways...I love it, I can't wait until the swelling stops so that I can get a real ring.
I'm not sure how my boss will take it, but I really don't care. (Private elementary/middle school)
I only get 10 hours a month, which is nice, but I could make more if I wanted.

Uhmmmm. One more week of school. Yessss.
I have to buy more people presents.








piercing.

My life is kind of starting to fall apart around me but I could care less.

I'm happy.

Happiness > Money

I'm kind of baffled right now.
I feel like I'm loosing my best friend. Kind of already lost her.
Between the getting ditched and the lying, I'm really tired of it all.

Dan keeps telling me that she isn't worth the trouble, but she's the only person that I really ever opened up to.
She saved my life.
It's kind of hard to fully let go of someone who you were co-dependent on for awhile.
Co-dependent in a friend way. She was always more of a friend than a girlfriend to me.
I don't love her/need her like that anymore though, and haven't for awhile. I just miss my "best friend."
I miss being treated like I actually had feelings.
I just...I miss the old Jill.
The one who always went to class, who I could always count on, who hated liars, hated sluts..etc.

</jill rant>

Two more random thoughts:
1. Rejection sucks big time....even if it's not real rejection? I dunno. Other than that, this situation frustrates me and makes me really happy simultaneously. I think it's a good thing. I've never had to work this hard before.
2. I made a new friend tonight. I feel like she has the potential to be a really good friend, which really surprises me.

 I've been way too angry for the past month or two.
I'm happy now, and I'm not really exactly sure why. I just kind of woke up and decided that everything I was mad about was trivial. 
There are a couple different contributing factors to this happiness I suppose.
Anyways,
I'm starting not to care about Jill and her women.
I broke up with her because she deserved better, and it's not my job to make sure that she gets better. 
I just have to remember that and everything will be fine and she's an excellent best friend to have.

Anyways.

Life's good. I don't know, I guess I'm developing feelings for someone now.
That's a good thing. It's so hard for me to have more than a crush on someone.
So I guess I'll see how that goes.

That's about all I have to write.

 

 I don't know who you think you are...
If I invite you over to my place because I want to try to get to know you...you don't....
1. Take my seat next to her when I get up. (my couch, my ex, my best friend)
2. Glare at me and say "not cool, dude, not cool" when I put my arm behind her.
3. Tell her not to listen to me and that I'm controlling her when I ask her to come outside.

Who's the one who holds her when she cries about you and how you make her feel dirty.
Oh yeah, that's me.
And I'm not a fan of crying girls.

kthanks :)

 I mean, at least today started out promising.

It was hard to spend the majority of my day with Jill.
In this time she had three different girls texting her, and one more that wanted to meet her.
Four girls.
It kind of hurts. 
I can deal with -girl number 1- who's coming to QSU tomorrow..
But tonight, it's hard to sit here and know that Jill's in another girls arms -girl number two-
This same girl that.... yeah. I don't know.
And then -girl number 3- is ugly and has no chance but still, there's another girl.
Finally Jill's friend text's her and tells her that she found someone perfect for her, -girl number 4-
This is all within like 3 or so hours.
I guess maybe it hurt my ego.
It kind of got me thinking...
What am I doing?
I really have no backup person.
I don't even feel like trying to get a backup person. 
I had three girls to choose from over the summer, so this is a little different....but I don't want three girls....
err.
Plus, I don't even know what's going on in whatever this thing I'm doing right now.
I just feel so in the air.


Other than all of this, I feel really good about life in general. 
Grades are good, I love my friends, and I'm just doing well overall. 
I just happen to update my livejournal when I'm feeling a little bad. 

I feel like everybody is in love with someone else.
No two people are in love with eachother.
At least that's what I see in the five or six situations that I know about.

It sucks to love someone that doesn't necessarily want you back, been there done that.

I don't understand love.
When you're in love, every step is taking you somewhere, everything that you do is building up to something, everything matters.
When it's gone, it's like you lost a part of your life. Everything that was meaningful before doesn't really matter and seems trivial. 
It's like something died. 
Is it really worth it?

I like not being in love.
It's so much simpler. 
You don't get hurt, nobody else gets hurt. 

I'm not saying that I don't want to be in love ever, I just don't really care about it right now. 

 I just purchased a new camera. It's about time.

 Will's birthday would be the day before I have three exams that I really want to get A's on.

Maybe we could have a study party. 

Just a thought. 

Also; My sister has her learners now. I'm frightened, surprised and happy at the same time.

shrug.
I don't know.
I don't really care about anything right now. It's not a good thing, but it's not necessarily bad either.
I miss my brother. And sister.
And... that feeling of security.
Yeah, that's what I miss: the security, not the bitch .
And I'm not really sure what's going on otherwise, nor do I really care.
Like I said, I really just don't know.
Maybe I'm just feeling bitchy.
This post was longer than I expected.
That's about all I have to say.


Oh. And fuck my xbox, it selectively lets me play games.

 I wish I could get my refill of happy pills now instead of having to wait ten more days. The lack of meds is starting to get to me.
Aka- late nights of staying up and thinking about depressing stuff. Not being quite sure of anything. Smoking a lot more. Being bitchy to people who are actually alright, and ruining things there. Oh well. 
I'm back to being numb and not really caring about anything. It's not good at all.
I just wanna be happy again and not hafta rely on my meds to keep me from feeling like shit.
Whatevs. 

 I just had one of the longest conversations with my parents ever.
We started talking about politics.
Then abortion.
And then I brought up gay marriage. 
It was going pretty bleh. And saying that people have beliefs...and then I said
"Dad, do you think gay marriage should be legal." He said "definitely not."
I started crying and asked him why he doesn't think his daughter should be able to get married.
He told me that it's not personal. I stopped him and told him that yes, it was personal. That I was his daughter and I was gay and if he didn't want gay marriage, it would be personal for me.
The argument went pretty bleh. Them saying things about the fact that my Dad's old fashioned and I shouldn't take it as personal as I was.
I told him again, that the fact that not even my father thinks that I should have the right to get married is very personal to me. 
He started to crack a little. I was explaining the scenario of Christine's wedding, Kevin's wedding...and not mine. He said I could get a Civil Union and that would be just fine. I then explained to him that there are 1,049 rights that you do not get in a Civil Union that you get in a marriage. And that my marriage might not be recognized in other states, if I were to go out of the country/state to get married. 
He was surprised by this. But again told me that, his belief was that marriage was between a man and a woman. 
We argued a little more... and then I said this to him, "What would you do if you weren't allowed to get married?"
He sat there...pretty shocked. I made him speechless. 
He looked at me for awhile and then said, "you know, I've never thought of it that way."
Then he started to really listen to me. 
I repeated the 1,049 rights that we wouldn't get and all that jazz. I also told him that if him and my mom were gone, and I had a wife...and was in a hospital and the state didn't recognize my partnership...she couldn't make major decisions.If I wanted her to, I'd have to make her my Health Care Power of Attorney...which would be so much more work...when I could just get married and that responsibility would be automatically given to her. 

At the end of the conversation, my parents looked at me like an adult for the first time. My mom told me that she has never heard me talk so passionately and eloquently about anything like I just had about the gay marriage issue.

By the end if this, I changed both of my parents minds.
My mom, who believed against it, but would vote for it if it came up in Maryland, decided that she was totally for it.
My dad, who was always definitely against it, said that he would vote for it. 


Kate Clements, changing the way conservative people think about gay marriage, one couple at a time. 
:)

America: Land of the free*



(notice the asterisk)

Soo today is 9 months.
Longest I've ever been with anyone.
Happiest I've been.

She makes my heart smile.


I love you Kelly <3